Unmanageability Inventory

In the novel BEYOND PISD, Rob asked Art 20 questions to determine if he was indeed addicted to sex. Bill, Art’s sponsor, took a different approach. He pushed Art to take an inventory of what his infidelity had done to his life and then decide if his infidelity had indeed made his life unmanageable.

THE INTERNAL ARENAS OF LIFE

You, like Art, have four interconnected parts to your inner being. At the very core of your being is your Spirit, your deeply held values, your perception of who you are, and your sense of your place in the universe. Surrounding your Spirit are your Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours. Each of these four parts are continually being influenced by the others. What you think impacts how you feel, what you do, and your spirit. A change in your behaviours will eventually translate into changes in your feelings, thoughts, and your spiritual wellbeing.

Take time to reflect on life before and after you got caught up in infidelity and the sex addiction. How has your infidelity changed the way you feel, the way you think, and your spirit?

Sex addiction impacts each area of the self. Beyond the acting out behaviors, sex addiction consumes thoughts, creates emotional upheaval, and disrupts any semblance of peace and serenity. Sex addiction impacts the capacity to be fully present and engaged in family life, friendship circles, work, and individual hobbies and activities.

Because sex addictions are progressive, addicts are rarely aware of the magnitude of the impact the addiction is having on them and others. It is important to pause and look at all the ways sex addiction have made life unmanageable.

Of the four components of the SELF, Behaviors are the easiest to name. More importantly, when assessing whether sex had become unmanageable, it is logical to begin with Behaviors since sex addiction is a behavioral addiction.

Begin the Unmanageable Inventory by writing out in detail:

what sexual behaviours you engage in,
who you have sex with,
how often you act out sexually,
what you do to set up these acting out sessions,
how much time you spend setting up and engaging in sex,
where you engage in those behaviours,
how much money you spend on sex,
what you do to free up time to engage in those behaviours, and
what you do to keep your sexual activity hidden.

Naming the sexual Behaviors in detail begins to expose the impact of the sex addiction on the other three areas of the SELF: Thoughts, Feelings, Spirit.

IMPACT ON THOUGHT LIFE

The Unmanageable Thoughts Inventory is challenging because the thought life is not as easily described as behaviours. Recall a time when someone asked, “What are you thinking?” Even if it had nothing to with your sexual acting out, did you have to pause and take time to get in touch with what had been occupying your mind? If you caught up in euphoric recall of a previous sexual encounter or imagining the next venture into your addiction, what did you come up with to cover the truth? What mental gyrations did you have to go through before you replied?

The impact of sex addiction on the thought life involves reflecting on the sleepless nights when your mind just would not shut down. It is important to recognize the amount of time spent:

recalling past sexual encounters,
imagining and fantasizing about possible future acting out,
contemplating how to cover up your sexual behaviors,
planning on how to compensate for the loss of productivity the sex addiction has created, and
preparing for the painful conversations and consequences if your acting out were to be discovered.

Having taken inventory of the time devoted to addictive thinking, identify the impact that has had on your life. There are only 24 hours in a day. Ideally eight of those would be spent sleeping. Eight to ten hours would be spent working and travelling to and from work. That would leave six hours to spend with family, with friends, and pursing individual hobbies and activities. Assessing the ways in which your life has become unmanageable includes recognizing what has been squeezed out of your life as a result of the time you spend thinking about acting out and actually acting out.

IMPACT ON FEELINGS

Feelings are even more difficult to identify than thoughts. Because emotions are rarely discussed in homes, adults often emerge from their families of origin with incredibly limited emotional vocabulary. When adults, men in particular, are challenged to name all the emotions they can think of in one minute, the response is often limited to three or four words, usually “happy”, “mad”, “sad” and “angry.”

It is almost impossible to understand something for which you do not have words. Consequently, when asked to connect describe the feelings that arise because of their addictive thoughts and behaviours, most sex addicts are lost. This deficit has an incredibly negative effect on their intimate partner relationship. Because they don’t have a robust emotional vocabulary, addicts are not only woefully unaware of their own emotional experiences; they find it almost impossible to grasp and validate their betrayed partners’ emotions. Communicating understanding of another person’s emotions is essential to responding with empathy. This lack of emotional vocabulary results in sex addicts, despite having deep remorse and wanting to heal their partners’ heart, are perceived to be cold, unsympathetic, and indifferent. Completing the Feelings Inventory is a challenging step in opening the door to the world of complex emotions.

REFLECTING ON UNMANAGEABILITY

In the novel BEYOND PISD, Art’s sponsor Bill gave him an assignment during their first sponsorship meeting (page 173). Bill asked Art to list all the ways his life had become unmanageable because of his sex addiction.