Having named all the ways your spouse’s infidelity has shattered your life, it is empowering to put it all together in a letter. Whether you actually read it to your spouse is a decision you and your therapist can make together.

Different survivors of Intimate Partner Betrayal Trauma will approach writing the impact letter in a way that honours their personal styles. Some are very list-oriented and detailed. Some write thematically, going through the impact on the essential characteristics of a relationship, the categories of symptoms, and the damage done in each area of the Lifespace. Others write in a more holistic approach simply writing spontaneously as different emotions and thoughts occur to them. This is your letter; write it in a way that honours you!

Impact letters are most helpful when they follow the same general topics as a letter that might be read at an Intervention. It is not a letter that glosses over the pain. Infidelity isn’t nice and your letter doesn’t have to be nice. There is no need to begin with “Dear” or to close the letter with “Sincerely”

The impact letter ideally begins with a statement of what life was like before the trauma, the hopes and dreams you had as you committed yourself to your spouse. This is followed by a transition statement that names your spouse’s actions. Describe in clear behavioural terms the major categories of harmful actions that were experienced in the relationship. While some victims need to include every detail they remember, other will opt to include only one or two of the most hurtful examples of each category.

While anger is important to express, it is not helpful to include labels, words of contempt, or name calling (e.g., monster, narcissist, stupid, evil, etc.). Concrete behavioural descriptions of the wounds affirm that the harm is real and you are not imagining things or exaggerating.

Following the behavioural description, the magnitude of the impact of the trauma is elaborated. It is important to name all the ways the trauma impacts you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It is important to describe the way t each of the symptoms of PIST (Intrusion, Arousal, Avoidance, Altered Mood and Cognition) show up and interfere with your life. Describe the damage done to the family, friendships, work/school, and your capacity to participate in hobbies and recreation. The impact letter is critical in exposing the pervasiveness of the damage your spouse’s infidelity created and placing full responsibility for the trauma clearly on your spouse.

The final section concludes either with a statement that outlines your bottom lines and deal breakers and what you expect or requires your spouse to do to make restitution for the harm.

More information on impact statements and how to write them can be found at:

Facing Heartbreak

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts (Carnes, Lee & Rodriguez, 2012).

REFLECTING ON THE IMPACT LETTER