In the novel BEYOND PISD, Meg learns about Art’s infidelity from the affair partner. The impact is enormous. Meg experiences all the symptoms of Intimate Partner Betrayal Trauma. She feels disconnected from herself; she has episodes of panic; she shuts down, withdrawing from people and activities; and she goes on an emotional roller coaster.

Meg takes some immediate steps to restore a semblance of safety and predictability. She is cautious as she re-engages with people, even close friends and family. Eventually she finds a sponsor and a therapist who understand her and walk with her. Still, Meg continues to deal with the remnants of Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) for the rest of her life.

A MESSAGE TO THE BETRAYED PARTNER

Has your life been shattered by infidelity?

When you committed yourself to this relationship, you placed your spouse in a sacred position of trust. That gave your spouse more power to hurt you than anyone else in the world. When your spouse committed infidelity, the betrayal was complex for three reasons. The harm violated a core moral value, the harm was perpetrated by someone in a sacred position of trust, and the harm was repeated several times.

INTIMATE PARTNER BETRAYAL TRAUMA IS COMPLEX!

IMMEDIATE TASKS

In the immediate aftermath of disclosure or discovery of the infidelity, there are essential logistical decisions that have to be made.

• Will you stay or separate?
• If you separate, where will you and your spouse each live?
• How will finances be handled?
• What will you tell your children?
• How will you protect your children from unnecessary stress?

Despite the turmoil, these logistical decisions are best made collaboratively with your spouse. Having reasoned conversations with your spouse who betrayed requires incredible personal strength and self-control. Before proceeding with your individual recovery tasks, it is important to work through the Crisis Management phase of recovery.

BETRAYED PARTNER’S CORE TASKS OF INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY

As the betrayed partner, you face three essential individual tasks of recovery following discovery or disclosure of infidelity.

BETRAYED PARTNER: ENLIST SUPPORT SYSTEM

Betrayed Partners need a strong support system of adults who set aside their own needs as they rally around the traumatized partner.

When you first learned that you spouse committed infidelity, you could no longer trust the one person who was supposed to be your rock in times of trouble. Worse, that rock was the one who caused you harm. Alone and vulnerable, you need a strong support system of adults who can set aside their own needs as they rally around you. You need and deserve love and support as you pick up the shattered pieces of the life that just crumbled and find a way to move forward.

Children, whether they are young or adults, are deeply impacted by the infidelity. Because of the deep love between parents and children, there is a natural tendency for the betrayed partner to gather the children close as they face the storm. Unfortunately, children often assume the role of supporting and nurturing the traumatized parent through the crisis. Children are vulnerable for sacrificing their childhood on the altar of their parents’ trauma. It is important for the children to be freed-up from this role.

The immediate responses of betrayed partners vary on a continuum from compulsively telling everybody everything to isolating, shutting everyone out and telling no one. Neither extreme is helpful. Enlisting a support group is particularly important if you have dependent children. To continue to be the adult in the relationship with your children, it is vital for you to enlist the support of a small, healthy–somewhat detached–group of adults who can walk as spiritual companions through these unchartered waters.

It is usually better if the people you invite into the inner circle of pain and trauma are not closely aligned with either you or your spouse. Parents, siblings, and close friends naturally experience tremendous anger on your behalf. They find it incredibly difficult not to pick sides and escalate your trauma. When couples are successful in healing from the infidelity and reconcile, repairing the relationship with the friends and relatives who strongly aligned with either the partner or the spouse is complicated.

The best choices for a support system are those rare individuals who can listen to your intense pain with empathy but without taking sides and without giving advice. Walking with you is emotionally demanding. It is reasonable for those in your support system to have a safe place to debrief their own feelings of grief, sadness, fear, and anger. Inviting two or three trustworthy people into the inner circle can provide you with a large enough support system that one individual is not over-burdened. At the same time, being part of a small support group provides those who listen to your pain with companions with whom they can debrief and not betray a confidence.

Several on-line resources provide more detailed examinations of the qualities of healthy support systems for betrayed partners:

REFLECTING ON SUPPORT SYSTEMS

BETRAYED PARTNER: SET BOUNDARIES

In all relationships, people have expectations and make assumptions. You likely assumed your spouse would be sexually exclusive. In the immediate aftermath of the infidelity being discovered or disclosed, it is important for you to set clear boundaries to restore a feeling of safety and predictability.

It is important for betrayed partners to set clear protective and containment boundaries!

In the novel BEYOND PISD, Meg’s friend Kathy makes a distinction between requests, expectations, and boundaries (pages 102).

• Requests are appeals that one member of the couple makes to the other. For example, “Will you agree to make all financial decisions together?”
• Expectations are often assumptions that one member of the couple makes about what the intimate partner will say and do. For example, “I assume that my partner and I will be transparent about our use of technology and social media, and that we will share all our passwords.”

When requests and expectations are agreed upon, some consider that a boundary has been established. In the novel, Kathy takes it a step further (pages 104-105) . She defines boundaries as actions she takes to maintain safety, both for her and for her spouse. Kathy explained two types of boundaries to Meg:

• Protective Boundaries were actions Kathy took to keep herself safe. Separating from a spouse following infidelity protects the betrayed partner from sexually transmitted diseases.
• Containment Boundaries were actions Kathy took to keep others safe from her. Refraining from exposing the details of the infidelity on social media protects the spouse, and indeed the betrayed partner, from extreme consequences.

For more detailed discussions about boundaries, please refer to:

Palmer, V. T. (2016). Moving beyond betrayal: The 5 step boundary solution for partners of sex addicts. Las Vegas, NV: Central Recovery Press.

Real, T. (2008). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make marriage work. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

Townsend, J., & Cloud, H. (2002). Boundaries in marriage: Understanding the choices that make or break loving relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

REFLECTING ON BOUNDARIES