THE SPOUSE WHO COMMITTED THE INFIDELITY

You likely came to this website because you cheated and your partner found out. The confusing thing about infidelity is that most spouses who commit infidelity really do love their partners. With the exception of revenge affairs, most spouses who commit infidelity did not cheat because they wanted to hurt their partners. Following disclosure or discovery of your infidelity, your partner’s pain is immediately recognized by everyone. Your pain, which is just as real and just as scary, is rarely recognized by friends and family.

In your premarital counseling program, there was no module entitled What do I say to my partner to make it better after I cheat. Now that the infidelity has been uncovered, you likely have no idea what to say and do.

IMMEDIATE TASKS

In the immediate aftermath of disclosure or discovery of the infidelity, there are essential logistical decisions that have to be made.

• Will you stay or separate?
• If you separate, where will you and your partner each live?
• How will finances be handled?
• What will you tell your children?
• How will you protect your children from unnecessary stress?

Despite the turmoil, these logistical decisions are best made collaboratively with your partner. Having reasoned conversations with the partner you betrayed requires incredible personal strength and self-control. Before proceeding with your individual recovery tasks, it is important to work through the Crisis Management phase of recovery.

REMORSEFUL SPOUSE’S CORE TASKS OF INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY

The truth is that before you can speak the words and take that actions that will heal your betrayed partner’s heart, you have a lot of individual work ahead of you. Only with the basics of personal recovery in place, can you and your partner come back together as a couple, look at your relationship, and assess whether reconciliation is a viable alternative.

As the spouse who committed the infidelity, your initial individual work consists of five essential tasks:

TASK 1: ENLIST A SUPPORT SYSTEM

Now that the truth is out, everybody seems to get the pain of your betrayed partner, but nobody sees that you, too, are in agony. While nothing justifies or excuses what you did and there will be consequences, this is a time for you to have compassion for yourself. Remember, you didn’t enter into this relationship intending to violate your commitment to love and fidelity. Many people will judge you and want to beat you up emotionally and spiritually. Protect yourself from them.

Before focusing on couple healing, you need to be supported and guided in the complex process of individual recovery. As much as your betrayed partner, you need compassionate mentors and guides who understand how to walk as your spiritual companions through this valley.

In the absence of you and your partner each having a strong support network, your children can inadvertently be drawn into the conflict. Assuming responsibility for supporting one or both parents through the infidelity places children in an untenable position. Unfortunately, well-meaning relatives and close friends, despite wanting the best for their loved ones, often take sides and give advice. Neither is helpful.

To continue to be the adult in the relationship with your children, it is vital for you and your partner to enlist the support of a small, healthy–somewhat detached–group of adults who can walk as spiritual companions through these unchartered waters. These are the adults that you can turn to when life feels overwhelming.

Larry Crabb, in the book Shattered Dreams, defines the safe community as those rare individuals who can listen to your entire story and hear agony rather than sin. When deciding on who to trust, it is important to consider:

• Who has the right balance of being close enough to you also sufficiently independent of you that they will be able to listen to your pain without becoming overwhelmed with their own grief and anger?
• Who has the capacity to hear the truth about the infidelity without taking sides and judging?
• Who will support you whether you decide to either divorce or reconcile?
• Who will keep what you say confidential?

It is usually better if the people you invite into the inner circle of pain and trauma are not closely aligned with either you or your partner. Parents, siblings, and close friends naturally experience tremendous anger on your behalf. They find it incredibly difficult not to pick sides and escalate your trauma. When couples are successful in healing from the infidelity and reconcile, repairing the relationship with the friends and relatives who strongly aligned with either the partner or the spouse is complicated.

The best choices for a support system are those rare individuals who can listen to your intense pain with empathy but without taking sides and without giving advice. Walking with you is emotionally demanding. It is reasonable for those in your support system to have a safe place to debrief their own feelings of grief, sadness, fear, and anger. Inviting two or three trustworthy people into the inner circle can provide you with a large enough support system that one individual is not over-burdened. At the same time, being part of a small support group provides those who listen to your pain with companions with whom they can debrief and not betray a confidence.

Twelve-step groups for sex addicts are often the best option for building a support network. You will hear the stories of others who have walked your path and found their way to a peaceful, meaningful life. Listen to those stories, find those whose stories are similar to yours and who are living the kind of recovery you want for yourself. When you know who those people are, take a risk; find the courage to call them and get honest about your life. A word of caution is essential. Never enlist the support of anyone you are sexually attracted to.

The following websites have sound advice for picking a 12-step sponsor.

Sponsorship Guidelines

Finding A Sponsor

How To Pick An AA Sponsor

REMORSEFUL SPOUSE INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY

TASK 2: RELEASE TOXIC SHAME

Shame is qualitatively different from guilt. Guilt is having remorse for what you did; shame is having contempt for who you are. Toxic shame, the belief that you are No matter how remorseful you are, without an understanding of the developmental and life circumstances that predisposed you to cheat, you will be unable to help your partner fully heal. When you understand the root causes of your infidelity, you will be able to release the shame and begin the process of living life in recovery.

Sex addiction is not about sex; it is typically about affirming your worth. If you are like the vast majority of sex addicts, you were predisposed to using sex to affirm your worth because you carry deep within yourself a lie. You believe that you are somehow inadequate. Perhaps you feel like you have not achieved the financial and career success that you should have. You may feel that you are not athletically competent or physically attractive. These feelings are lies that were internalized during your formative years. The messages that you received about yourself from family, teachers, coaches, and peers became entrenched in your mind.

The primary purpose of seeking sex was to give you the experience of being desirable.

REFLECTING ON TOXIC SHAME

RELEASING TOXIC SHAME

To rid yourself of this toxic shame. you will need to revisit the interactions that led you to believe that lie that you are inadequate. The purpose is not to blame others for your infidelity and your addiction. Rather, the goal is to replace these messages with the truth that, while not perfect, you are a fine human being!

There are several steps in the process of identifying the source of the lie that you were not enough.

1. Think back to your childhood and adolescence. Who were the people who had power and influence in your life? Typically, this would have been your parents, siblings, extended family, teachers, coaches, neighbours, and peers.
2. Once you have competed this list, recall specific incidents where you were put down, criticized, ridiculed, laughed at, ignored, or rejected. Write these stories out in detail.
3. Next, for each of these painful times, what did you conclude about your place in life? What did those interactions tell you about the world, other people, and yourself? For each incident, complete these sentences:
   • The world is …
   • Other people are …
   • I am …
4. Now is the time to replace these messages with the truth. It may be that you made a mistake or that there was something you needed to be coached in and to learn. However, there never was anything inherently wrong with you. The problem was the messengers and the false messages. Rewrite the sentences about the world, others, and yourself with the truth.

Here is an example of what this might look like.

I was nine or ten years old and I was helping my older cousin paint our grandparents’ fence. My job was to paint the space between the pickets. I dipped my brush into the paint can and started painting. When I was halfway done, my cousin yelled at me. “You stupid idiot! Look how much paint you spilled on the sidewalk. Don’t you even know enough to wipe the extra paint off on the edge of the can before you start painting. Now I’m going to have to stop and go back and clean up your f’n mess. How did I get stuck with such a jerk? Are we even related?”

The messages I internalized from this were:

1. The world is full of difficult jobs.
2. Others know how to do things right and are disgusted with me.
3. I am stupid and incompetent.

The real truth was:

1. In this world, difficult jobs can be broken down into small, doable steps.
2. Other people didn’t take the time to give me the information I needed to do the jobs they expected me to do the way they wanted them done.
3. I was as competent as any other ten-year old. There was nothing wrong with me. Sure, I needed an explanation, but there was something wrong with that cousin who abused me.

Use the following worksheet to think through the source of the toxic shame.