Crisis Management

Crisis Management

Immediately after infidelity is disclosed or discovered, most couples enter a crisis phase. As in all crises, it is important to maintain as much calm as possible and focus on the essentials. Often couples find it helpful to take some time apart while they each work through some core individual tasks of recovery.

Following disclosure or discovery of infidelity, the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity each embark on individual journeys of recovery. Despite the life-changing impact of the infidelity, it is important for them to exercise tremendous self-control as they join together as a couple to support their children and solve the logistical issues of the immediate next steps.

Initial Discovery/Disclosure

Disclosure is always better than discovery. Infidelity shatters trust. When the spouse who committed the infidelity volunteers the essential truth, the betrayed partner has a small sliver of hope that the relationship can be rebuilt on honesty and wise trust. When a third party discloses the infidelity or the partner finds clear evidence of the betrayal, the spouse who committed the infidelity has little or no credibility going forward.

When spouses who committed the infidelity voluntarily disclose the infidelity, there is usually considerable minimization. Betrayed partners understandably press for more information. This leads to long sessions of probing, denial, and staggered disclosure which actually create additional damage. These emotionally charged conversations often result in explicit details of the infidelity being disclosed which create vivid images that haunt the betrayed partner for years.

A better outcome is usually achieved when the betrayed partner finds the strength to temporarily set aside the need to know while committing to getting a full, professionally-facilitated disclosure down the road. Spouses who committed the infidelity but who genuinely want to repair the relationship walk a difficult tightrope. Not fully disclosing everything immediately feels like denial, minimization, and rationalization, but without good counsel, they are at risk for being brutally rather than rigorously honest. While betrayed partners find it difficult to accept, the best option is for the remorseful spouse to promise a full disclosure once the couple get professional help.

M. Deborah Corley & Jennifer P. have written extensively on the disclosure process.

REFLECTING ON PAGES 1-24

Meg discovered Art’s infidelity when Art’s affair partner phoned Meg.

  • What was the impact on Meg of learning the truth in that way?
  • What questions about the infidelity did Meg contemplate?
  • Fear of consequences is the source of dishonesty. What fears did Art have about telling the truth to Mark? Brett? Chris? Meg?

If you are recovering from infidelity:

Betrayed Partner:

  • What question(s) are you glad you asked?
  • Wish you had asked?
  • Wish you hadn’t asked?

Remorseful Spouse:

  • What fears did you have about disclosing the infidelity?
  • What questions did you find the most painful to answer?
  • What are you glad you told your partner? Wish you had told? Regret having told?

Nurture Inner Calm

Following disclosure or discovery, further harm is minimized when both the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity find the strength to self-regulate. Physical survival depends on a rapid response to disasters like earthquakes, fires, floods, and violent attacks. Unfortunately, the part of the brain that monitors threats, the amygdala, doesn’t distinguish between a physical threat and a social/emotional threat. All threats trigger the same Fight-Flight-Freeze response. Heart and respiratory rates increase, muscles tense, blood rushes to key areas, pupils dilate, and digestion shuts down. Evaluating alternative courses of action takes precious time when an immediate response is needed, so the prefrontal cortex, the brain centre responsible for judgement and decision making, disengages. When infidelity is disclosed or discovered, both the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity are prone to panic. Restoring calm is difficult but essential to reduce the extent of the damage to the partner, the spouse, and particularly, the children.

Three strategies are helpful in restoring calm in the midst of a panic attack.

1. Four Square Breathing:

Rapid breathing in response to danger is the body’s attempt way of supplying more oxygen to the muscles to support the fight-flight-freeze response. When the danger is infidelity, this response is typically counterproductive. To calm the brain and the body, taking slow, deep breaths tricks the amygdala into sensing that the danger has passed, allowing the prefrontal cortex to re-engage leading to better judgement and decision-making.

Several on-line videos provide coaching in the “box” or “square” breathing technique:

Breathing Technique 1
Breathing Technique 2
Breathing Technique 3

2. Connecting With Yourself:

Two strategies help get in touch with the body and the mind. First, verbalize the information that each of the five senses is experiencing in the moment. Consider this video as a guide to the 5-4-3-2-1 strategy.

Second, do a body scan. The UCLA Mindfulness Research Center produces several guided meditations that restore calm. One such guide can be found here.

Thumb Nail 54321 Method
Coaching Video

3. Connecting With The Present:

Infidelity is a life-changing event. In the immediate aftermath of discovery or disclosure, both the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity are pulled into a cycle of ruminating on the past and dreading the future. Images and events from the past and a host of what-ifs play over and over in the mind. Making good decisions in the midst of the crisis depends on reconnecting with the present. It is impossible for the brain to entertain two verbal thoughts simultaneously. To halt the self-talk about the past and the future, simply look at and name 10 things in the physical environment forces the mind to stay in the present. Follow this up by studying and describing one object in detail. Watch the accompanying video.

These mindfulness strategies will not erase the pain or solve any of the problems. The distraction from the intensity of the response to the infidelity can, however, help both the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity regroup and focus. With a semblance of calm restored, they can join together as a couple and create a plan for getting through the difficult next days and weeks.

Couple Task: Dealing With Logistics

Especially if there are children involved, it is essential for the couple to come together on a plan for just making it through the crisis of infidelity being revealed. The couple faces three essential tasks that need to be addressed immediately and collaboratively:

  1. Agree on the logistics of the temporary separation
  2. Disclose essential information to the children
  3. Enlist a small, safe support network for the children

COUPLE TASK 1: LOGISTICS

The logistics of taking time apart can be complicated. There are issues that require immediate decisions.

  • Where will each person live during the time apart?
  • How will childcare and access be managed?
  • How will finances be handled?
  • Who will use which vehicle?
  • What do we tell the children? Friends? Family members? Colleagues?

It is often wise to focus on these logistical issues and put the enormous tasks of dealing with the infidelity itself on temporary hold.

Appendix B of the book REBUILDING: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher EdD, Robert Alberti has a guide to a healing or therapeutic separation which can be a useful guide to dealing with the immediate logistical issues following disclosure or discovery of infidelity.

COUPLE TASK 2: INITIAL DISCLOSURE TO CHILDREN

Rudoph Dreikurs once said that children are great observers and rotten interpreters. In the absence of an honest reason why their parents are taking a time apart, children will manufacture a reason. Because of their egocentric stage of development, children often create a narrative that puts themselves in the centre of everything. “Daddy had to leave because I was so noisy!”

While children need honesty, it is important not to over-disclose and to give the children the assurance that both parents love them and will continue to be there for them. M. Deborah Corley & Jennifer P. have written extensively on the disclosure process.

One couple put it something like this way when they met with their children.

Father: Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses for a while.

Mother: I made a mistake and I had a boyfriend. That really hurt Daddy.

Father: We need to take some time to figure things out.

Mother: I am going to move into grandma and grandpa’s house for a while.

Father: You will stay here with me and go to the same school.

Mother: We both really love you and you will get lots of time with both of us.

Father: We know this isn’t what you want, but it is best for now.

Mother: What would you like to ask us or say to us?

While is it only realistic that parents show some emotion, it is also important to demonstrate that the parents continue to be the strong adults the children can rely on. It is destructive to place children in a position where they feel the need to become the caregiver for their parents.

COUPLE TASK 3: ENLIST SUPPORT FOR THE CHILDREN

Agreeing on the mature, compassionate, nonjudgmental adults to ask to support the children in the aftermath is a task for the couple to work through together. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close family friends are often the most logical support network for children. The children can’t take sides. It is vital that, despite what they may think and feel, none of these supporting adults say anything against either parent. At the same time, it is important that the children have a safe space where they can express what they are experiencing. It is a demanding task for those trusted with being the children’s support network.

Healing a Child's Heart After Divorce: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers by Alan Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney offers clear guidelines to the children’s support network.

With the logistics and the immediate needs of the children taken care of, the attention turns to the individual recovery of the betrayed partner and the spouse who committed the infidelity.